The God Project

Day 2

2005-07-08T05:07:00.000-07:00

7:08 a.m.
Unfortunately, I won't be able to write much today. I am preparing to evacuate because of another f***king storm. I have really been utilizing prayer. ALOT. Maybe this will prove to be fruitful. I will definately be updating the prayer journal and we should have some answers soon. I have specific requests for God related to the storm. I suppose I will probably update this later before I leave, if I don't have the chance, I will be keeping notes and I will update on my return, if I still have a home.

You know that you are poor when you pray that your home is blown away or severely damaged so that you can collect FEMA funds... Well, you never know, that windfall that I have been asking for may come soon... I just have to worry about being homeless again. Ivan caused my husband and I to lose our jobs and our home. It really wasn't a great experience. And not having electricity for 3 weeks really did suck. I am not sure what outcome I should pray for. Check the prayer journal and find out my decision...
http://prayerjournaltgp.blogspot.com/

Day 1

2005-07-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Today, I want to address the faith that I first embraced. Christianity. Of course this may not be the faith that I had at birth, if there is an inborn truth that we somehow lose memory of at some point during infancy, but this is the first faith that I have a real memory of participating in. I have decided that I will devote 7 days to each faith, subject of course to any miraculous occurrences which may require additional time for analysis.

Christianity is a monotheistic religion. About 75% of Americans identify themselves as Christians. Christians believe that Jesus of Nazareth is mankind’s personal savior who died by crucifixion for the atonement of their sins. Those of the Christian faith follow the teachings of Jesus also known as Christ. These teachings are found in the New Testament of the Bible. This religion is easy for me because I am very familiar with the sacred text and the doctrines of this faith. This religion is mostly about having a personal relationship with Jesus, who is also God. This is further elaborated on in the doctrine of the trinity. Because I do not intend to elaborate on each religion to an extent that would take too much time away from the project, if you have questions about this religion I suggest the following website: http://www.religioustolerance.org/christ.htm .

9:00 a.m.
Practicing the Christian faith first requires you to become “saved”. I did this a long time ago as a child and repeatedly as an adult. This is supposed to be something that you only have to do once, but my project requires that I embrace the religion fully so I will do this again. I said the prayer of salvation:
“Jesus I am sorry for the things that I have done wrong. I thank you that you died on a cross for me. I am willing to turn away from anything that displeases you in my life and from this day on I want to live my life your way I invite you to come into my life now and make me a brand new person. Thank you Jesus”
According to a Christian pastor, this is all I have to do. He said even if I don’t feel anything new or different at this time, I will soon. We shall see…
Today I will make sure that I read the bible and pray to Jesus. I will listen and do whatever I feel he is leading me to do. I will update later on the progress and any activities that need to be noted.

11:36 a.m.
I am finding it very hard to understand that once you are saved you are promised eternal life. I have read some of the Web Blog that was allegedly written by the sexual predator Joseph Edward Duncan III who kidnapped and molested Shasta Groene. He talks about Jesus and the unconditional love of God a lot. Was he a Christian? Would a Christian do such heinous acts? If he asks God to forgive him will he go to heaven? I posed these questions to religious leaders and they have told me that he couldn’t or wouldn’t have performed these crimes if he was truly saved. But if he said the prayer of salvation, he was saved according to Christianity… If he was not saved, yet he sees the error of his ways and his sinful acts, he can ask God to forgive him and he can be saved regardless of the pain he has inflicted on humanity and an innocent child. I can’t help it, I am angry with God about this. I am going to do what the pastor advises and pray for this anger to be lifted and for my heart to be open to forgiveness…
If that was supposed to work instantly, it failed. I still want to beat him viciously. I will have faith and continue to pray. I am reminded of the bible verse: “And whosoever shall offend one of [these] little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.” Mark 9:42

1:30 p.m.
I am trying to make a list of all the people whom I have hurt in my life so that I can ask God to forgive me and to try to fully repent of my sins. So far, it is a very long list. I will try to get as much as I can remember, but I was told that it isn’t as important to remember everything as it is to really be sorry and ask for forgiveness. This afternoon I have an appointment with my PDoc – shrink for those of you who are unfamiliar with mental health terminology. After my appointment I will pray for healing from the disease that plagues me. I will also pray for a miracle, for some healing for this world that is so bloodthirsty and cruel, for a sign that God is watching and that he cares about the children who are being tortured and murdered by people who say that they are Christians and by those who have no faith in anything but pain. (I am not saying that all criminals are Christians, I am just referring to those criminals who say that they are Christians or that are otherwise involved in the Christian religion or in the church. This seems an important point to me, that God should have the power and the desire to stop those who would abuse his name and his faith.)

I also thought I should keep a log of the things that I have prayed about so that they can be updated with answers or miracles as they occur, if they do… You can find that here:

http://prayerjournaltgp.blogspot.com/

The God Project

2005-07-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

I want to know. Who is God, is God alive, does God exist, does he care? I have tried everything… Have I been answered? I don’t know. I have decided to organize all of the soul searching and spiritual questing that has defined my life into a project. I will systematically practice every religion known to me with wholehearted devotion and belief (easy for me because I am very open-minded and not very convinced of anything in the first place) in an attempt to touch the face of God… I don’t want to say that the religions/faiths that I have experimented with up to this point in my life have been unsuccessful, but I still haven’t had definite proof that they were. Oh, I have had those AHAAA!! moments, there have just been too many of them for any of them to be THE ONE. The AHAAA!! moment should be consistent and reliable. I am not really sure yet what would signify proof that I have reached enlightenment or the truth. I know there are several things that have plagued me throughout my life. These should be simple to fix for an omnipotent being. Simply put, I don’t want to be Bipolar anymore and I am tired of living in poverty. Those are the easy ones; another great proving point would be a miracle. I don’t want a weeble-wobble to cry bloody tears or my television to show me the face of my dead cat. I want an unequivocal bonafide miracle. One involving World Peace would be nice....

Maybe I should give you a little background… I was born in 1972 into a family that was a disfunctional mix of devout Christians and devout drug-addict criminals. Through the influence of a neighbor who also happened to be my elementary school teacher, I began my journey to find God. I attended a small town Southern Baptist Church. (Demographics – 100% Caucasian) I attended school with all of the other southern Christian white kids. I had an emotional spiritual feeling/experience and became a Christian. I saw a lot of hypocrisy. I became jaded over the years and experimented in alternative religions. It was very hard to be different. People tended to be hateful and angry at those who were not like them. I decided that these people couldn’t possibly have a spiritual relationship of importance if they had these behaviors. I did know several people who were the epitome of "Christ’s Love", but did they get this spirituality from Christianity? I wasn’t sure, because I knew others with this type of loving spirit who were not Christians. Throughout my life I have felt a spiritual connection to many different religions/faiths/belief systems that have included Christian, eastern, scientific, nature/pagan and many other belief systems. I have learned a lot about humanity and spirituality, but I haven’t had the proof that any of these is the right one. Is there a correct belief? I don’t know, but I am going to find out. I hope I find out while I am still a living citizen of this world. If I don’t find out until my passing/death, I can’t really tell anyone about it, therefore the project will have been in vain.

Recently, my aunt, who has had very Christian based beliefs for her entire life, was on life support, in a coma and actually died before being revived. My conversation with her afterward was very frightening. She says that after everything she has been told and has believed her entire life, when she died, there was nothing. She said that it was as if she had never existed and there was only a void, nothingness. She said that there were no lights, no tunnels, no loved ones, no angels, harps or booming voices. She said that she wasn’t sure of her own faith anymore. Maybe this has really motivated me to try to find out where I came from and where I am going. Maybe there really is nothing, and if that is the Truth that I am seeking, fine. I still want to know. If she was a true Christian would things have been different? How can we know if she was? If there is a God and he is with us, why can’t he reassure his creations?

When did I begin to exist? Was the sperm me, or was I the egg? Was I both or was I neither? If I could only understand when I began then maybe I can determine where it was that I came from… Did my divine spark, or whatever it is that makes me who I am enter a biologically created body, or did my biological body somehow generate that part of me that is unique? I may never know.

On to the experiment…